Balak and Balaam

Upon the plains of Moab the Israelis came one day,
They’d seen off all the Amorites as now they made their way
Towards the land God promised them that they would call their own,
A land of milk and honey with the Lord upon the throne.
(The name Israelis is, I know, a bit anachronistic,
But since they soon would get that name it’s not unrealistic.)
The Moabites were not too pleased, too happy, or too chipper
And the news of their arrival came to Balak son of Zippor,
The sight of all the jewish lads sent Moab in a funk,
“They’ll vacuum all the riches up and then they’ll do a bunk!”
So Balak sent his messengers to Balaam for his curse,
And summoned him: “Come quickly, now, before things get much worse!
If you will only do this, then you’ll even up the odds
I’ll take them on in battle, with the help of all my gods.”

Now Balaam was a foolish sort, you know the kind of man,
He loved God’s power and blessings but he cared not for His plan,
So when the king’s first messengers presented his great need,
At first old Balaam thought “Cha ching!”, for he was prone to greed.
But then a doubt occurred to him, the snag that made him fear:
“Although the Lord has made of me a prophet and a seer,
This chance to make some money could well lead to my destruction,
For God the Lord is powerful, and far beyond corruption.”
The Lord, turning the tables, asked in cross-examination
“Who are these men here with you that you seek by divination
To machinate on their behalf against my blessed nation?
Now you are not to curse them! You should know that your vocation
Is to do the things I tell you and not give in to temptation
And if you head off with them it’ll be your last vacation.”

So Balaam stayed in Pethor, near the River, in high dudge,
Pig sick about the money, which he longed for, the curmudge,
But Balak, the spoilt baby, didn’t lie down to the news
He made Balaam an offer that he didn’t dare refuse,
So even though the answer he had had was very clear
Old Balaam brought it back to God all pious and sincere,
“These men are so important that you’ve got to let me go!
I don’t want to be rude to them, it’s courtesy you know…”
And God, who didn’t care to hear this sanctimonious fuss
Exasperated, said to him, “Fine! Go then, if you must!
If these guys mean that much to you, there’s nothing to discuss,
But only do the things I say, my people won’t be cusst!”
You see what He was doing here? The Lord was getting narky,
And since old Balaam was so rude, no wonder he was sarky!

Well, Balaam had a donkey that he rode for many years
A most obedient animal, in this she had no peers,
But on that road to Bamoth Baal, when ridden with such a will
An angel of the lord appeared, her master for to kill
Three times she turned and fled from him and three times she was beat
Till God to her a voice did give and Balaam heard her bleat
And Balaam’s eyes were opened to the angel of the Lord
Who told him he must journey on, but only with God’s word.

—

Although the God of Israel put things into his mind,
Old Balaam was a foolish man, to treachery inclined.
He hated God with all his heart and worshiped only money
And though this made him risible, it wasn’t very funny.
For listen to what happened when against God’s holy nation
This agent of the Moabites gave schooling in temptation.

“You can not beat the righteous ones the Lord has set apart,
But God will surely curse them if you steal away their heart,
So send throughout the land to find the sexy and the strumpet
The boldest, brashest, brazen whores, the cream of all the crumpet
Get rid of all the coy ones, for you only need the flirts,
Apply a smear of lippie; let them wear their shortest skirts -
And dunk them deep in Dior till it drips out every pore!
(Their mammies, if they saw them, wouldn’t let them out the door…)
Then, in their gownless evening straps for men they will go fishin’
They are the bait upon the hook: to catch Jews is their mission!
You’ll find out when you’ve caught them, that their every inclination’s
To satisfy their trousers, so send out your invitations:
You’ll see that these poor fellows come to every binge and bender,
And Baal will surely snatch them from the Lord who’s their defender!”

This plan, it worked like clockwork, and a sorry tale it is,
The Lord looked down upon it, and it fairly made him fizz,
He sent a plague to smite them and he killed an awful lot,
They should have seen it coming, but they didn’t, for the rot
Set in amongst the leaders who were prone to skive and shirk,
Till God said “Moses, kill them, for they’re sleeping at their work!”
So Moses told the people what the Lord had said should happen
“We must expose and kill them here and do it in the open!”
But even as he said these things, a hapless, godless fellow
Strolled past the tent of meeting with a burd upon his elbow,
A painted whore of Midian, she’d led Zimri astray!
He took her to his tent, and then began to have his way,
At least, that’s my assumption, for this man when he was stabbed,
Was pinned on to his lady, who died with him, quite kebabbed.
The plague against the people then was stopped without delay,
But over twenty thousand had to die before that day,
And Phinehas the priest, who was the hero of the prong,
He found his zeal rewarded with atonement for their wrong.

So maybe sex is what they’ll use to lead you from your God,
Or something more innocuous, a whisper, wink or nod…
It’s sin that ruins everything, and whether great or small,
It sets us up, and knocks us down, and there’s no greater Fall.
The truth is, we’re all sinners, and to wrong we are inclined
We’ll need to get a saviour, quick. Let’s seek and we will find.

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