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No Excuses. No Porn.

Sep 18th, 2009
by Michael Krahn.

After reading this post by John Dyer (Pornography Is Not Just About Lust: The Emotional Power of Images) I wanted to restate from an earlier post how we handle the issue at our house.

It’s difficult to estimate the ill effects online pornography has had on the spiritual well-being of millions of men and a growing number of women.

While pornography was once primarily available only behind the counter of select stores, it is now accessible anywhere and any time via an internet connection. At the same time, the cost to obtain it has dwindled to almost nothing.

In the online world the temptation is constant. In pre-internet terms, the temptation is roughly equivalent to being locked in a private room with millions of pornographic magazines. Resistance is not futile, but constant exposure to the temptation will eventually yield a failure to resist.

No wise person would intentionally put themselves into such a situation, but if you have an unmonitored or unfiltered internet connection in your home this is essentially what you are exposing yourself to, which is why no one should be ashamed to have a content monitor or filter installed on their internet access point.

SET IT UP NOW!

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In our home we use free filtering called “K9 Web Protection“. With this software you can either set it to monitor all traffic or  restrict access to all websites except those that you approve. Here’s how we set it up:

1. We set it to “Monitor all traffic” which means it keeps a log of every site anyone on the computer visits

2. We make it password protected and only Anne Marie knows the password

That’s it!

Setting it up this way means that she can see every site I’ve visited which has an excellent deterrent effect when a questionable link or picture presents itself for clicking. You will find yourself asking at least these two questions: Do I want my wife to know that I looked this? Do I want her to see what I’m about to look at?

Guys: have the talk with your wife or a close friend. Today can be a fresh start.

Ladies: offer to set this up with your husband without asking questions about previous history. 

Visit http://www1.k9webprotection.com/ to download the free software.

Posted in: Porn, Pornography, Technology.

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  • Bill Janzen

    Good post. 2 things:

    1) The free program you use sounds better than the one I’ve been using.
    I use a free program called x3watch which monitors sites visited and then sends an email to whatever accountability partners’ emails you’ve selected. This is good because no one has to consciously choose to check cuz it comes automatically. Downside is I don’t know how it determines good or bad and so I don’t know if it would catch everything but also it has sent out occasional false catches which we’ve then had to look over. While those false catches are easily resolved I’m sure it raised Beth’s blood pressure for no reason lol

    2) An interesting idea that I heard that one couple uses is that the husband puts in half the password and the wife knows the other half, that way both husband and wife are held accountable and neither can access it independently. Could end up as a hassle but it’s a neat idea.

  • Dan

    I have to somewhat disagree. Porn can be quite crude but when you break it down it is only sex. Sex is the gift of life. Should a child be watching this? Absolutely not but we as parents are responsible for what our children know to be right and wrong, moral and immoral. With that being said, I would rather have my child watch some porn than the new Rambo film or some horror film or even the Passion of the Christ (which is ridiculously violent). I guess religion has glorified violence to the point where it is deemed necessary in society.

    But it comes down to this, Is it better to ban our kids or spouses from these exposures with an internet blocker or is it better to discuss and find understanding with eachother? I’m not sticking up for porn, but the approach of singling it out as an “evil” is not right when many other things do far more damage on the well being of our youth and loved ones without even getting the credit. I would even lump religion in that category but I know that won’t be a popular view in this forum.

  • Jake

    Thanks for posting this again Mike, truly a topic that often times is more ignored then exposed due to it’s vast control over so many people.

    I have been using K-9 since you introduced me to it quite some time ago now. I have found it to work better then some of the ones I have used in the past. Since I use my laptop away from home more then I do at home it is all the more vital that I safe guard myself with whatever means possible.

    Although I believe this program is a must for all people who own a computer, there are four things that I have found that we have in our artillery as Christians and all of us have at least three of these – and they help greatly in this battle.

    1) For those who are married, A wife whom you can openly talk to as a fellow Christian and pray together with about this issue. Trust me, your wife wants to fight this war with you and this is a must. You won’t regret having your wife on your side in this war.

    2) The discipline of immersing ourselves into the Word of God. Yes it is true, the more you immerse yourself in the Word of God, the less likely you will give in to such temptations.

    3) A leadership within your church that not only directly confronts you about this issue, but that is ready to lovingly administer biblical and corrective action. This works even better then K-9 itself.

    4) Prayer – we know that God answers prayer, and it is very humbling coming before God and asking Him to save you from committing such a sin. But this too is a must.

    The program itself is great and prevents you from getting to it,
    but I have found these other helps to actually pull you away from it.

  • Dan

    Ugh…This is why I don’t usually reply to these things! What a brainwashed, scripted reply. If you want to fight a war against such a minor inconvenience in YOUR life, knock yourself out but praying will get you nowhere….only YOU can make it happen. Ya porn is not suitable for minors but whatever an ADULT wants to do with his/her life is their choice. Just like you have the freedom to create/worship your own god. But for some reason it’s ok to expose a child to that evil right? Remember god created porn as he created all things right? Oh wait that was the devil right? whatever…. I’m out.

  • Shame on you

    Coming from a person that obviously has no idea what it means to follow God because he belives in nothing but himself that is a perfectly logical answer, but shame on you for putting yourself above these people like your shit don’t stink. Keep standing on that mountain of sand you live on and let me know what the crap taste like when you drown in it

  • Dan

    please….my shit don’t stink? I actually believe people should have the freedom to do what they want with their lives. What people have I put myself above? You are right on one thing..I have no idea what it is like to follow god because fiction isn’t my thing…i believe in so much more…..life.

  • MB

    Hey Dan,

    I agree that people should be allowed to make their own choices and that being responsible for your actions is paramount in developing ourselves as people – I’m just not sure I agree the some of the statements you make.

    You are right – I’m not going to tell you what is “wrong” for you – those are your choices – I’m just not so sure you can take Sex as “only” sex – too many people who are smarter than I am and have studied sexual acts and how they impact us tell us that there is such an emotional connection to the physical act that it is not able to be separated – I’m sure like anything you could condition yourself to the point that getting yourself “off” is the only thing that is important but I’m not really sure who desires that for themselves.

    Actually I think the whole point of porn is to be a selfish act that solely focuses on the physical enjoyment of sex. To my knowledge the acts that are portrayed are never in context of a relationship and the focus is purely on self gratification.

    I can agree that there are a number of violent movies that may be more harmful than some porn – but like everything else there are degrees. Can you compare an ultra violent movie to what is classified as “soft” porn (that you’d see in a mainstream movie release)? I don’t think you can do so justly.

    I think the handling of porn can be done in many ways. Michael has shared how he and AM handle it for them. I can’t fault them for seeing it as a potential problem and doing something to avoid it – in fact, that sort of focus can only help in other areas in life. If it’s blocked – there is never any question – there is no wondering – that’s not such a bad thing. In fact it is blocked because they did talk about it.

    I can appreciate your call to action instead of sitting idle – unlike yourself -I do believe that prayer will get you somewhere – but you are right that if you know something is an issue for you – or there is potential for harm to yourself or someone else, just praying about and not seeking what you can DO about it is most likely a waste of time. Again it leads back to personal responsibility and personal accountability.

    I’m interested in learning more about your thoughts and feelings on this:

    “I’m not sticking up for porn, but the approach of singling it out as an “evil” is not right when many other things do far more damage on the well being of our youth and loved ones without even getting the credit. I would even lump religion in that category but I know that won’t be a popular view in this forum.”

    Particularly I’d like to know what you consider more damaging than porn? You touched on violent movies – what else?

    I hope the other comments won’t stop you from sharing – I think this conversation has merit on it’s own without making it Christian centric.

    If you’d like to respond privately – ask Michael for my email address.

    M.

  • Dan

    Thank you or you civil response M. I am a tad busy at the moment but will touch up on further thoughts in better detail possibly later tonight. I hope yo all realize that I am not defending porn, but the fact that an internet blocker is not a parent and free human will is not ours to govern.

  • Chris

    I, too, am skeptical of internet blockers, and I find the analogy to being locked in a private room with a bunch of magazines a bit of a stretch, because there are a bunch of other non-pornographic magazines in the room. With internet now on phones at increasingly higher speeds, trying to block pornography in such a manner is futile at best.

    I simply do not agree with isolationism in its many forms, and I feel the church has failed all of us to a degree in that it has not trained us to handle nude images. It has trained us to avoid it at all possible cost. The problem is that we’re likely to see nude, semi-nude, or might-as-well-be-nude pictures in daily life. That last category can be just as damaging as either of the previous two if we let our minds run away with it.

    As far as I’m concerned, most men are completely unequipped to handle the visual onslaught they face daily. If we continue to pretend it doesn’t exist, it will take over even more of our lives. I prefer to live very eyes-wide-open with regard to all aspects of life, because as our understanding of reality increases, so does our ability to respond to it.

    What I have determined as an effective deterrent is what I call “emotional apathy”, the ability not to care about seductive images. Our wives (I’m single, so I’m speaking hypothetically here) should still arouse us, but it’s because we love them, not simply because they are sexy. Unless we develop this ability, we can never be “in the world” without being “of the world.” It’s dangerous, yes, but it’s necessary if we ever want any sort of REAL success, not isolationist success.

    I don’t mean that we should actively seek out porn, but we should understand the true context of sexual arousal, which is relational arousal. From there, it’s simply a matter of association, which takes active effort on your part. When you see a seductive image, which you’re GOING to see a seductive image, remind yourself that you don’t care. This takes serious discipline in controlling your emotions, but this is something you can practice without any particular stimuli.

    It’s particularly related to certain aspects of Zen Buddhism; I don’t agree with it as a religion, but the emphasis it places on meditation and direct revelation of ideas is extremely useful. Words on a page are one thing, and knowledge is another, but true understanding that impacts your actions and your perception is another thing beyond that. You can develop this by meditating on God’s principles.

  • http://www.michaelkrahn.com Michael Krahn

    Dan,

    There are a couple of misconceptions I want to clear up here:

    1. I do not use an “internet blocker”. The software does not block any websites, it merely monitors all usage.

    2. I have not been “banned” from anything by my spouse. This is an entirely voluntary deal on my part and this voluntary action is the result of “discussion and finding understanding with each other”.

    You are correct that sex is a gift, but I believe it was given to us by God as a gift to be shared by two people, opposite gender, who are in a covenant relationship for life. Therefore I hold it as a precious thing, and do what I can to maintain the integrity of my relationship with my wife.

    My wife is the only person I will have sex with for my entire life. That’s the commitment we made, and we have a lot of fun keeping it.

  • http://www.michaelkrahn.com Michael Krahn

    Chris,

    Again, there is no “blocking”, so there is no isolationism. There is accountability.

    I like your “emotional apathy” theory. I may just turn your comment into a post and see what kind of comments we get.

    Thanks.

  • Warren P

    1. Good choice of software.

    2. Way to go being real here and telling men that it’s okay to say this stuff out loud.

    3. Real men take care of each other, and themselves.

    4. Porn is not a “guilty pleasure”. It’s a form of mutual assured self-destruction tailor made to destroy marriage, family, friendship, and our ability to be good fathers to our sons, and our daughters, not to mention of course, our ability to be good spouses.

    5. It comes between a man and his relationship with God.

    Maybe the language of sin and guilt are tired-out for lots of us Christian guys, and the fear and guilt thing aren’t getting the job done here, but the idea that something destroys our relationships, even our capacity and receptivity to relationship, with God, and with others, ought to still motivate us, while some shred of our conscience is not yet drowned in concupiscence.

    Hooray for men with the courage to stand up and say, “hey this is REALLY important.”.

    Having another christian male friend you can talk to about this stuff, is great. As a Catholic, I find being able to go to confession was a huge help in avoiding sins against chastity. Those of you who aren’t Catholic; please consider the wisdom inherent in Paul’s advice; “confess your sins one to another”.

    Apparently, opendns.com can be used to make a pretty good screening filter, for those who chose to install screening software. I echo what Michael says; accountability beats screening software. But if blocking helps those who are struggling, well, more power to you if you choose that path.

    Warren