For some people forgiveness is just a matter of surrendering theirr desire for retribution. It is simply repentance, a turning, a change of mind that’s needed. Some hold on to unforgiveness like currency. With that currency – with that unforgiveness – they can control others.

For others, the pain and hurt is way down deep and forgiveness is significantly more difficult. That’s ok. But there is something that everyone must do: begin the journey.

God tells us many hard truths in his word, and one of those is that we can’t experience forgiveness unless we forgive. And that is a tough pill to swallow. Because we all want to be forgiven but we don’t all want to forgive. But there it is in plain red letters on a white page. We know that there are things for which each of us needs to be forgiven and we know that there are many things that we need to forgive. So that’s where we need to start.

Let’s be clear about what forgiveness is not…
Forgiving does not mean that what was done to you was right. Some of you have been terribly hurt and abused in unimaginable ways and will carry the scars of that hurt for your entire life.

It does not mean that there should be no consequences for the sinful actions of others against you.

It does not mean that you allow someone to hurt you or take advantage of you again in the same way.

It does not mean that there aren’t going to be some boundaries between you and the person you’re forgiving.

But it does mean that you let go of the hold that their actions have on you. A hold that is causing you to be angry, a hold that is causing you to be cynical, a hold that is robbing you of energy, and robbing you of faith. It’s robbing you of the joy that Jesus Christ wants you to experience IN HIM.

“For when God commands us to wish well to our enemies,” Calvin said, “he does not therefore demand that we approve in them what He condemns, but only desires that our minds shall be purified from all hatred.”

Forgive
You may have someone to forgive today, so why not begin that journey? We often sin against each other and we have all sinned against God. Ultimately, all sin is sin against God. When we become reconciled to him we will become reconciled to each other.

When you forgive it means that you are giving up your desire to personally punish that other person in any way. You are leaving that in God’s hands, as the only righteous judge who will see that justice is ultimately done.

You may need to forgive someone this morning. It might go back to your first memory, when you’re three or four, or it might go back to this morning on the way to church. Put it all on the table.

And do remember this: the power of your prayer for forgiveness is limited by the degree to which you obey the command to forgive.

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This post is part a series on forgiveness, based on a sermon called “Forgive and Be Forgiven”. You can listen to the sermon audio here (or right-click and “Save As…” to download)

Other posts in this series:

Part 1 – Don’t Be a Hypocrite
Part 2 – A Prayer to Be Recited?
Part 3 – Giving Up the Desire to Punish
Part 4 – Don’t Be Like the Unforgiving Servant
Part 5 – The Older Brother Syndrome
Part 6 – Living the Forgiving (and Forgiven) Life
Part 7 – What Forgiveness Isn’t…

What does it look like to live a forgiving (and forgiven) life? That life will be marked by these traits and you will make a habit out of these practices:

1. Make forgiveness your default response
Decide now that you will respond to a wrong with a desire to forgive. Make that your end goal from the beginning.

2. Forgive in advance, just like God does
Someone is going to hurt you. Someone is going to tear you down and say vicious untrue things about you. You don’t even know who this person is yet, but you can choose to forgive them in advance. When we do this, when we choose forgiveness even before there is repentance, all the other person has to do is accept what we’re already offering.

3. Be forgiven
In the same way, God has forgiven you and is offering that forgiveness to you. Some of you are living life in a state of being unforgiven. This is a tragedy because you can be forgiven and it would make a world of difference. How can you receive God’s forgiveness? By confessing your sins and trusting in him. That’s it.

“Father, Forgive Them”
I’ll give you one more reason to forgive… As Jesus was hanging on the cross, beaten, bruised, cut, covered in blood, he looked down at those who had done this to him. He looked at them and didn’t feel rage… he looked at them and didn’t take the vengeance on them that he could have taken. These people who had falsely accused him, imprisoned him, beaten him, put nails through his hands and feet, hung him up on a wooden cross and then taunted him while he hung…

He looked at these people, who did far more to him than anyone has ever done to any one of us and said… “Father, forgive them….” (Luke 23:33-34). And when he died, he died so that we could experience the forgiveness of God. His life and his death were saturated with forgiveness.

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” – C.S. Lewis

Jesus is the model and he sets the pattern for us. Even while he hung in front of his own murderers, he chose to forgive. He chose to forgive because he chose to live a life of forgiveness. He chose to forgive in that moment because he had chosen forgiveness long before that moment came.

And this is how he would have us live our lives today.

An Exercise in Forgiveness
If you take a moment to examine your life today, is it marked by the habits I mentioned above? Are you making forgiveness your default response to every offense? Are you forgiving in advance just like God does? Are you ready to forgive not just what has happened to you in the past but what will happen to you in the future as well?

If you examine your life and relationships, do they seem to be saturated with forgiveness

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This post is part a series on forgiveness, based on a sermon called “Forgive and Be Forgiven”. You can listen to the sermon audio here (or right-click and “Save As…” to download)

Other posts in this series:

Part 1 – Don’t Be a Hypocrite
Part 2 – A Prayer to Be Recited?
Part 3 – Giving Up the Desire to Punish
Part 4 – Don’t Be Like the Unforgiving Servant
Part 5 – The Older Brother Syndrome
Part 6 – Living the Forgiving (and Forgiven) Life
Part 7 – What Forgiveness Isn’t…

When it comes to forgiving and being forgiven, maybe you think you’re exempt because you believe there isn’t very much that you have been, or need to be, forgiven of. If this is the case, I can assure you that it is because you have not repented of very much or confessed all of your sin.

And if you have not repented of very much, you will not be forgiven of very much and you will find it difficult to love others. This is what Jesus is getting at in Luke 7:47 when he says – “he who is forgiven little, loves little.”

Often this is a character trait of people like me, who grew up in the church as believers. In many people’s eyes – and especially in our own eyes – we’ve lived “better” lives than the rest of you. After all, there are a lot of bad things that we haven’t done.

But this perception is simply NOT TRUE. In reality, we just sin in less visible ways. We are like the older brothers in the Prodigal Son story….

The Prodigal and The Pleaser
You know the story… the prodigal, the younger brother left home in disobedience, blew all his money, and sinned in every way he could imagine. The “good son”, the older brother stayed home and obeyed his father, was wise with his money, and had high moral standards. And yet, in the end, it was the younger brother who knew he deserved nothing and begged for – and received – mercy. The older brother believed his father owed him for his good behavior.

Many of us who grew up in the church as believers think the same way:

1. We think highly of ourselves
We think so highly of ourselves on the basis of all the bad things we haven’t done. We haven’t pursued wild living. We didn’t do the drugs, we didn’t sleep around, we didn’t end up broke in the gutter… so we’re “better”.

2. Others think highly of us
We have a “good reputation”. We think of ourselves, and are thought of by others as “good people” who do very little wrong and must be on “good terms” with God.

3. We love to have people in our debt
We love to have someone in our debt. We love to make them feel – and let them know – that they owe us something. And they better work awfully hard in our presence to win back our favor! This also draws attention away from our own flaws. Our flaws, like the older brother’s are usually less visible, but from God’s perspective they are no less ugly.

4. We are likely to be punitive
We often believe the lie that we’re better. Other people have done bad things and should beg for our forgiveness for the rest of their lives. Those who have wronged us need to pay for what they’ve done! They need to pay their way up to our status level…. But that’s not the way grace works.

5. We’re likely to be ungracious
When someone wrongs us and asks for our forgiveness, we like to hold it over them for just a little bit longer. We’re don’t act like the father of the prodigal; we’re not out there looking for them and we’re not even looking down the road to see if they’re coming.

Do you see yourself in this description? I see myself.

As a result, our relationships are often characterized by the making of accusations and holding people to a standard of perfection that we ourselves only appear to meet. We must maintain our higher standard, protect our reputation… and so we are often ungracious and punitive.

Instead, our relationships should look like this. In the words of Thomas Oden:

“Where forgiveness pervades a relationship, it is no longer dominated by aggressive charges, counterclaims, and legalistic attempts to recover damages… The Lord’s Prayer makes it clear that we are bound to share with others the forgiveness we have received from God.”

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This post is part a series on forgiveness, based on a sermon called “Forgive and Be Forgiven”. You can listen to the sermon audio here (or right-click and “Save As…” to download)

Other posts in this series:

Part 1 – Don’t Be a Hypocrite
Part 2 – A Prayer to Be Recited?
Part 3 – Giving Up the Desire to Punish
Part 4 – Don’t Be Like the Unforgiving Servant
Part 5 – The Older Brother Syndrome
Part 6 – Living the Forgiving (and Forgiven) Life
Part 7 – What Forgiveness Isn’t…

In Matthew 18 Peter engages in that famous exchange with Jesus. He asks, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?”

And Jesus replies, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.” And then he continues on from there in a parable…
Matt 18:23-35

“Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made.So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt.

But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place.

Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt.

So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”

Too often we act like this unmerciful servant. We have been forgiven of much but we refuse to offer forgiveness to others. As we can see from this parable,  God the Father does not take kindly to unmerciful servants. The servant in the parable was delivered over to the jailer until he should pay his debt, and Jesus says, “So also my heavenly father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” So to refuse to forgive is to live in captivity!

Forgive and you will be forgiven
Again and again Jesus drives home this point – refuse to forgive and you can’t experience forgiveness. It is a very blunt and plain idea:

Luke 6:37 – “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;”

Mark 11:25 – “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”

These are very straightforward words. Forgive and you will be forgiven. And if you do not forgive, then you will not be forgiven…When it comes to forgiveness, it appears that God deals with us the way we deal with others. He measures us according to the measurement we use on others.

“He doesn’t say,” says C.S. Lewis, “that we are to forgive other people’s sins, provided they are not too frightful, or provided there are extenuating circumstances, or anything of that sort. We are to forgive them all, however spiteful, however mean, however often they are repeated. If we don’t we shall be forgiven none of our own.”

So who are you, having been forgiven for so much, to withhold forgiveness from someone else?

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This post is part a series on forgiveness, based on a sermon called “Forgive and Be Forgiven”. You can listen to the sermon audio here (or right-click and “Save As…” to download)

Other posts in this series:

Part 1 – Don’t Be a Hypocrite
Part 2 – A Prayer to Be Recited?
Part 3 – Giving Up the Desire to Punish
Part 4 – Don’t Be Like the Unforgiving Servant
Part 5 – The Older Brother Syndrome
Part 6 – Living the Forgiving (and Forgiven) Life
Part 7 – What Forgiveness Isn’t…

Matt. 6:7-8 “And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.”

Jesus says “when you pray,” not “if you pray.” Prayer is assumed for those who live as citizens of the kingdom of God under his reign. And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases, do not be like them. These people think that the more words they use, or the more times they repeat a prayer like a mantra, the more likely they are to be heard. We all know people like this, right?

Is This a Prayer to Be Recited?
So he tells them what not to do, and next he instructs them in how to pray. In Matt. 6:9-13 he instructs them to pray like this:

“Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.

Your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.”

Jesus earlier speaks against “vain repetitions” and “empty phrases” – in other words, God is interested in the heart’s cry, not the “right” words said many times, as if they had some magic power. He’s warning against saying the same words over and over again until they are nearly meaningless. Ironically, anyone around my age who grew up in Canada and went to public school will attest to the fact that saying this prayer every morning got a little bit repetitious. In doing so we kind of missed the point that Jesus is teaching us how to pray, not teaching us a prayer to recite word for word.

And even though this is not so much a prayer to be recited as a prayer that models how to pray, it is not wrong to recite it. It is a good prayer obviously and no one should forbid you from saying it, but if we only ever recite it and never allow it to shape the rest of our prayers then we’ve missed the point.

The disciples say, “Teach us to pray” not “Teach us a prayer.”

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This post is part a series on forgiveness, based on a sermon called “Forgive and Be Forgiven”. You can listen to the sermon audio here (or right-click and “Save As…” to download)

Other posts in this series:

Part 1 – Don’t Be a Hypocrite
Part 2 – A Prayer to Be Recited?
Part 3 – Giving Up the Desire to Punish
Part 4 – Don’t Be Like the Unforgiving Servant
Part 5 – The Older Brother Syndrome
Part 6 – Living the Forgiving (and Forgiven) Life
Part 7 – What Forgiveness Isn’t…

Matt 6:12 says, “forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors….” and then Jesus follows that up in verses 14-15 with, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

This has massive implications! Think about it…

Defining Forgiveness
When you forgive, you stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake. It means that you grant free pardon and to give up all claim of retribution. The modern sense is “to give up the desire to punish”.

Have you ever thought of forgiveness this way? Have you ever considered that when you refuse to forgive someone you are holding on to a desire to punish them? You desire a vengeance that belongs only to God.

Practicing Forgiveness
When we do forgive, we shouldn’t be hypocrites about it. Pretending to forgive is a very dangerous thing to do. Acting like we’re not feeling angry or resentful toward someone when we are actually angry and resentful is very unhealthy. Saying that we’ve forgiven someone when we actually haven’t will put us in a worse state than simply being unforgiving, because now we’ve added dishonesty, a lie, to the equation!

But this doesn’t mean that we are to just bury our anger and resentment deep inside and not talk about it. While it’s true that once we’ve forgiven someone we should no longer continue to make reference to those hurts, it doesn’t mean that you carry around your hurt secretly and indefinitely BEFORE it’s dealt with.

Hurt and anger need to be acknowledged and addressed, but once an offense has truly been forgiven, we are not to continue to bring it up as a guilt mechanism or as leverage against the person we’ve forgiven.

A Hard Task
I’m not saying that forgiveness is easy… It can be a hard task that requires a lot of effort and a lot of stress.

I’m not saying that forgiveness can be forced… No one can make the choice for you to forgive. That choice is yours alone.

I’m not saying that it always happens quickly… Sometimes it is a very long journey because you were hurt to such a degree that it has negatively affected every aspect of your life.

So you might need to express your hurts to a trusted friend or counselor so that you can discover the depth of your hurt or anger or disappointment so that when you forgive (like prayer, that you will forgive is assumed), it will be a complete forgiveness with no lingering bitterness.

We all need help to heal, but in order to heal we MUST pursue forgiveness. John Calvin said: “Those who refuse to forget the injuries which have been done to them devote themselves willingly and deliberately to destruction, and knowingly prevent God from forgiving them.”

He is not saying that you are beyond hope if an old unforgiving spirit raises its head from time to time in your life. Sins and circumstances will surely offer you opportunities to be hurt, and with each hurt an opportunity to refuse to forgive, to hold a grudge. This will happen in the course of life.

But if you find yourself often holding grudges, or if you have been holding a particular grudge for quite a while, then you should be very cautious to approach God for forgiveness because you will be making the plea of a hypocrite.

Remember: The power of your prayer for forgiveness is limited by the degree to which you obey the command to forgive.

And this is not some sort of bargain where you earn God’s favor or forgiveness BY forgiving others. The truth is you will find it incredibly difficult to receive God’s forgiveness if you persist in having an unforgiving spirit toward others.

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This post is part a series on forgiveness, based on a sermon called “Forgive and Be Forgiven”. You can listen to the sermon audio here (or right-click and “Save As…” to download)

Other posts in this series:

Part 1 – Don’t Be a Hypocrite
Part 2 – A Prayer to Be Recited?
Part 3 – Giving Up the Desire to Punish
Part 4 – Don’t Be Like the Unforgiving Servant
Part 5 – The Older Brother Syndrome
Part 6 – Living the Forgiving (and Forgiven) Life
Part 7 – What Forgiveness Isn’t…

We all want to be forgiven, but we don’t always want to forgive. CS Lewis said it well: “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.” We all want others to release their hold, their bitterness, their grudge against us, but we don’t always want to release ours against them. But the two are very tightly wound together by God.

The power of your prayer for forgiveness is limited by the degree to which you obey the command to forgive.

So we need to learn how to forgive, but first we need to learn about hypocrisy…

Give, Pray, Fast – But Don’t Be a Hypocrite!
The three most important acts of religious devotion for devout Jews in Jesus’ time were giving to the poor, prayer, and fasting. There is no doubt that these are all very good things. But like many things, they had become opportunities for prideful religion. They had become opportunities for people who craved the praise of men; good things had taken on some bad religious baggage.

But they were still good things, and Jesus doesn’t throw these good things out. Instead, he gives some instruction about all three of these in Matthew 6. It’s worth noticing that for each of these three good things – giving to the poor, prayer, and fasting – Jesus gives the same instruction. And that instruction is this: DON’T BE LIKE A HYPOCRITE

A hypocrite – a stage actor, a pretender, someone who plays a part, someone who pretends to be something they are not.

We shouldn’t be this way, Jesus says, because when we act this way we get a reward. But the reward we get is only from other human beings. They like us, “respect” us, think well of us, maybe even treat us with reverence. And this is a great reward… if you are earthly-minded. What could be better than reverence and affection from your fellow human beings, your coworkers, your fellow church members?

But Jesus says not to be a fake. Don’t be hypocrite. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not. Don’t do things in order to gain favor with other people.

1. Not when giving to the poor…
In the first part of Matt. 6, when you give to the poor, don’t go to the poor neighborhood in a bus that says “ON TOUR – Feeding the Poor! Look at me!”

Don’t do this – instead, do it in such a way that if nobody ever knows about it, that’s totally fine.

2. Not when fasting…
Later in Matt. 6 he talks about fasting and again he says DON’T BE LIKE A HYPOCRITE. When a hypocrite fasts, you know about it, because they work hard to look gloomy, they disfigure their faces…

“Oh, I’m so hungry!”

“Really? Why don’t you eat something?”

“Oh, I can’t – I’M FASTING! This is sooooooo hard! I haven’t eaten in days because I’m so holy and God is so pleased with me!!!”

Don’t do this – instead, do your best not to give any physical clues. Smile. Splash some water on your face.

3. Not when praying…
In Matt 6:5 Jesus talks about prayer in the same context:
“And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.”

Don’t be like the hypocrites – they pray loudly in the most public of places. “Oh Lord, thank you for making me such a holy and humble person! I am your chosen servant! Let everyone know my deeds and praise me – I mean YOU… let everyone see my deeds and praise you…”

Don’t do this –instead, Jesus says, “when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.”

Go into your room, shut the door, pray to your Father who is in secret… We are to pray in a way that glorifies God, not in a way that brings glory, popularity, or fame to ourselves – not like hypocrites. God prefers sincere plainspoken words to precise articulate speech from a hypocrite’s heart.

Guarding Against Pride
The principle in all three cases – when giving to the poor, when praying, and when fasting – is that when we are about to do something that will gain us some attention or glory from others, we are to do it as secretly as possible. This is to guard us against pride. Pride is always a mechanism for stealing glory from God, and we are never to do that.

And in each case there is a reward at stake. In each case we must choose what kind of reward we will pursue. If we are like the hypocrites, we will certainly receive a reward. This reward will be the praise of men. But if we do these things in the way that Jesus commands – if we give to the poor in secret, if we pray without an audience, if we fast and no one knows – we will receive a very different reward. We will be rewarded by God.

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This post is part a series on forgiveness, based on a sermon called “Forgive and Be Forgiven”. You can listen to the sermon audio here (or right-click and “Save As…” to download)

Other posts in this series:

Part 1 – Don’t Be a Hypocrite
Part 2 – A Prayer to Be Recited?
Part 3 – Giving Up the Desire to Punish
Part 4 – Don’t Be Like the Unforgiving Servant
Part 5 – The Older Brother Syndrome
Part 6 – Living the Forgiving (and Forgiven) Life
Part 7 – What Forgiveness Isn’t…